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Fun Yard This is a special corner for members to share their JOKES, CARTOONS, FUNNY ILLUSTRATIONS, RHYMES, I.Q. quizes, interesting websites, etc. This is your chance to turn this section into the FUN YARD of this forum. Peace and be Happy!

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  #1  
Old 17-04-2004, 03:19 PM
ipohan ipohan is offline
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Teacher Arrested!

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

[ 17.04.2004, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: ipohan ]
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  #2  
Old 17-04-2004, 03:35 PM
ipohan ipohan is offline
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Haiku for computer difficulties

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages.

Haiku poetry has strict construction rules.
Each poem has only three lines, 17 syllables: five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third.

Haiku's are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity - the essence of Zen.
We could learn from this . . .

----------

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

---------

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.

---------

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

--------

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

--------------

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

------------

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

-----------

First snow, then silence.
This thousand-dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

-----------

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

-----------

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.

--------------

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

---------------

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

--------------

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

---------------

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

-----------------

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

-----------------

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

----------------

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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  #3  
Old 17-04-2004, 03:44 PM
ipohan ipohan is offline
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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."
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  #4  
Old 17-04-2004, 03:53 PM
ipohan ipohan is offline
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The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
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  #5  
Old 17-04-2004, 07:54 PM
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BILL GATES IN HEAVEN

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering. "Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill."

Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. His name is Abraham."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill.

Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, half a million .... .... Macintoshes .... .... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of Microsoft code! The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then .... .... GO TO HELL!"
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  #6  
Old 17-04-2004, 08:41 PM
ipohan ipohan is offline
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O My God!

When you have an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section.

You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Johnson and Johnson." Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company." Have a nice day and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
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Old 17-04-2004, 09:09 PM
ipohan ipohan is offline
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Going the Speed Limit

A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway waiting to catch speeding drivers. There weren't as many violators this day as usual. The State Police Officer sees an old car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty-two miles an
hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 215."
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Old 17-04-2004, 09:29 PM
ipohan ipohan is offline
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President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
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Old 17-04-2004, 11:28 PM
ipohan ipohan is offline
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Should kids witness a birth?

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911."

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.

Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
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Old 17-04-2004, 11:35 PM
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Once there was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law: "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."


The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter.

The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message: "The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
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