I laughed till I cried
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Yes Prime Minister
Raja Petra Kamarudin
Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!
Today, 31st August 2006, is Merdeka Day and Malaysia’s 49th Anniversary of Independence. Today, in the spirit of Merdeka and a multicultural Malaysia, let us take a break from the serious race and religion discussions that have been the hallmark of Malaysia Today’s Blogs these last two years since we launched this site. Today, let us take things easy and laugh at ourselves, or better still, at our political leaders.
The following is of course a work of fiction and if it in any way reflects people or peoples still living, already dead, about to die, or living but appear dead, it is purely coincidental.
PM: Tan Sri, do you have the paper on the police.....apa nama.....ICPMC?
Tan Sri: You mean IPCMC? I gave it to you yesterday YAB.
PM: You did? I can’t seem to find it.
Tan Sri: Did you not hand it to your son-in-law to study? You wanted him to read it and then brief you on what it is all about.
PM: Oh, okay, I forgot, but what did the paper say? Can you remember?
Tan Sri: We have already discussed this matter three times YAB.
PM: We did? I can’t seem to remember. Did the paper address the police brutality issue? It looks like we have another problem on our hands. TV3 has just shown a video-clip of detained people being beaten up inside the police lockup. I need to meet the press later to tell them what we are going to do something about this problem.
Tan Sri: No problem YAB. I can brief you on the details.....again.
PM: Alright. So what should I tell the press?
Tan Sri: You can tell the press we are going to make sure that this kind of thing will never happen again.
PM: Good. After that nude squat issue, and now the beating up of suspects, it is giving my administration a bad name.
Tan Sri: Yes YAB, I know, and that is what I also told the IGP. And he agrees.
PM: Good. I am glad that finally the police are beginning to agree with us. So they will stop this practice of beating up suspects? This is the assurance the IGP gave you?
Tan Sri: Heavens no YAB! Why would we want to do that? How else can we get the suspects to confess if we don’t beat them up?
PM: Oh, so what action are you talking about then?
Tan Sri: With immediate effect, the police are going to ban all hand-phones in the lockup. This will ensure that no more nude squats or beating videos get leaked to the public.
PM: But I can’t tell the press that. They will tear me to pieces.
Tan Sri: Of course not YAB. You will have to tell the press that you guarantee Malaysians they are never going to see another video of any mishandling of suspects in the police lockup as long as you are still Prime Minister of Malaysia.
PM: But won’t I be lying?
Tan Sri: No YAB, you will not. You are not saying that suspects are not going to be mishandled in the police lockup. You are just saying that Malaysians are never going to see another video of anyone being mishandled in the police lockup. This is the truth, so you are not lying.
PM: Okay. This is important. I can’t be caught lying. Alright! And what if the press asks me about Proton? What do I say? You know this issue has been raised by the axe. So the press are sure to ask me about that as well.
Tan Sri: You mean the ex-Prime Minister?
PM: No, I mean the axe. The ex is acting more like an axe. I think he wants to axe my head.
Tan Sri: You can tell the press that you have been informed by the Proton management that it will be a bumper year for Proton this year.
PM: But they are not having a bumper year. They are losing money. This year the losses will be three times last year’s losses. Tiga kali ganda! Next year, once the accounts are published, the public will know about it and they will accuse me of misleading the public.
Tan Sri: YAB, you are not saying that Proton is making money. You are just saying that it is a bumper year this year.
PM: But ‘bumper year’ means they are making money, lots of money, bumper profits.
Tan Sri: No YAB. It does not. It is a bumper year for Proton this year. Next year will be a steering wheel year. In 2008 it will be a windscreen year. By 2020 Proton would be manufacturing at least 60% of its components in Malaysia. Of course, Proton will still lose money all the way up to 2020. But at least by then 60% of the car will be manufactured in Malaysia.
PM: You think the press will buy that?
Tan Sri: You just tell the press that this year it is a bumper year for Proton and leave it at that. The press will not ask any more questions after that. Later we will issue a statement saying that the press misunderstood what you meant. Which is true, they will certainly misunderstand.
PM: But next year they will know the truth. Then what do I say?
Tan Sri: But you may no longer be the PM next year if the axe, I mean the ex has any say in the matter. So it will not be your problem. The next PM has to worry about it.
PM: You mean Najib?
Tan Sri: No, I mean Rosmah.
PM: Yes, you may be right. We have another problem. In January we will have to raise the price of petrol again. PAS is sure to organise protest demonstrations in front of the KLCC. How are we going to handle that? We need to do something.
Tan Sri: I have already spoken to the police about it and they are planning their strategy.
PM: What are they suggesting? I hope the police are not going to beat up the demonstrators like last time. That will not be good for my image.
Tan Sri: Oh no YAB, we are not going to do that. We have another way of solving this problem, a more friendly way.
PM: That’s good. What do the police have in mind?
Tan Sri: Well YAB, you know about the brouhaha in Parliament with regards to the excessive expenditure on the uniforms of the customs officers?
PM: Yes, nasty business. How are we going to solve that?
Tan Sri: We are cutting back the budget on uniforms so the police, customs, and so on will be given only 10% of what they were given last year. That will keep the Parliamentarians quiet.
PM: But how will that help solve the street demonstrations?
Tan Sri: Well, we are employing more women in the riot police unit.
PM: Women? How can policewomen tackle rowdy demonstrators when even the policemen can’t?
Tan Sri: It’s like this YAB. Because of the cut-back in the budget, the policewomen will be given bikinis as uniforms.
PM: Bikinis? Why bikinis?
Tan Sri: That is all we can afford YAB since the budget for uniforms has been axed 90% to keep the Parliamentarians happy. If we reduce the budget for uniforms by 90%, then the uniforms also have to be made 90% smaller.
PM: But this will not go down well with my Islam Hadhari. There will be a hue and cry.
Tan Sri: But this was discussed and approved at the Cabinet meeting.
PM: When? I don’t remember that.
Tan Sri: But you were present at the meeting and you too approved it YAB.
PM: I did not! I would have remembered if I had.
Tan Sri: Well, you were sort of sleeping at that time YAB, but you woke up and said ‘setuju’ when the vote was taken.
PM: I did? I don’t think so. I would never have setuju on something like this.
Tan Sri: But you did YAB. One of the ministers said, “These bikinis will really make the policewomen ‘transparent’,” and everyone laughed and the laughter woke you up. Then the minister said it was a good idea and everyone agreed and you also said ‘setuju’.
PM: Oh, who was the minister?
Tan Sri: Najib.
PM: Oh, if Najib then it figures. He wouldn’t mind if the policewomen are all naked. Lagi dia suka! But why bikinis? What’s the strategy here, I mean other than reducing the budget to save money and make the Parliamentarians happy?
Tan Sri: Well, when the PAS demonstrators see the policewomen in bikinis they will close their eyes and not look. It is haram for the PAS supporters to look at women in bikinis. So the police can just go in and arrest them without any resistance. It is better than blinding the demonstrators with tear gas. This way they voluntarily close their eyes without the need for tear gas.
PM: Hmm, great plan. Okay, and what to do about the axe’s allegation that those really running this country sit on Tingkat Empat?
Tan Sri: That is easy YAB. We are changing the name of Tingkat Empat to Tingkat Tiga-A.
Tan Sri: Yes YAB. Four is an unlucky number for the Chinese. That is why we have no Chinese staff. It is not because we discriminate against the Chinese. They don't want to work on the fourth floor. So, after Tingkat Tiga, we will have Tingkat Tiga-A, no more fourth floor. So, when the axe says that those running this country all sit on the fourth floor, he would be lying because there is no fourth floor anymore.
PM: Hmm, good idea. But he would soon find out and start saying that those running this country all sit on Tingkat Tiga-A.
Tan Sri: Then we will move your office to Tingkat Tiga-A and move all the Tingkat Tiga-A people to the fifth floor. We will move your office every week. One week you will be on the top floor and the next week on the floor below. The axe will be so confused he will stop talking about the issue. And you can continue allowing the Tingkat Tiga-A people to run this country without any worries.
PM: Brilliant! You are a great strategist. You should be in politics.
Tan Sri: No thanks YAB. I would rather be the manipulator, sorry, I mean advisor to the PM.
posted 11:40 AM