Things you have to believe to be a Republican today
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host (or a Texas-born President/son of a President). Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. And questioning what Bush does as President or what he did to become President is downright Un-American!
Happy to NOT be a Republican.
And as far as GWB going around saying that he's a member of the same party as Lincoln, today's Republican party has SOooooo little to do w/Lincoln's it's laughable.
Can you, in your wildest, most fever-induced nightmares imagine Bush delivering the Gettysburg Address, much less being the person that ACTUALLY wrote it?
All by himself, on the way to the event?
That old saw about a buncha monkeys at typewriters coming up w/Hamlet has a better shot, IMHO, or maybe the single bullet theory, or the WMD!
Advice From Dead Presidents....
George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his bed. He awakens to see George
Washington standing in the bedroom. Bush asks, "George, what is the best
thingI can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, as I did,"
advises Washington before fading away.
The next night Bush sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. Bush calls out,
"Tom, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," replies Jefferson and fades away.
The next night Bush still can't sleep and finds the ghost of F.D.R. in
the room. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the people, just like I did," F.D.R. replies and disappears.
The next night Bush is still too restless to sleep.
Across the room he sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
Bush asks, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Go see a play."
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall in Galveston in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot white shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I had heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is clearly not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing......how's the bait holding up?"
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So this Saturday at 4 p.m eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. For good measure, have various pork products cooking on your big grill.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America.
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...
At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
Bush in Athens
Athens, Greece (AP) --
President Bush opened the 27th modern Olympic Games in July. He began his remarks with, "Ooooo! Ooooo! Ooooo! Ooooo! Ooooo!"
Immediately his speechwriter rushed over to the lectern and whispered in the president's ear, " Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
[ 23.09.2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: ipohan ]
Voter Support System
There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.
To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of John Kerry, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support President George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights off at night. :D
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you ned to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Florida,´´ you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise (a.k.a. "The Sunshine State").
The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago, it was 1959. A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.
The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider this: It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hilary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for t he 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.
It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!! Damn our military is GREAT!!!!
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."
The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"
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