Things you have to believe to be a Republican today
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host (or a Texas-born President/son of a President). Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant. And questioning what Bush does as President or what he did to become President is downright Un-American!
Happy to NOT be a Republican.
And as far as GWB going around saying that he's a member of the same party as Lincoln, today's Republican party has SOooooo little to do w/Lincoln's it's laughable.
Can you, in your wildest, most fever-induced nightmares imagine Bush delivering the Gettysburg Address, much less being the person that ACTUALLY wrote it?
All by himself, on the way to the event?
That old saw about a buncha monkeys at typewriters coming up w/Hamlet has a better shot, IMHO, or maybe the single bullet theory, or the WMD!
Advice From Dead Presidents....
George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his bed. He awakens to see George
Washington standing in the bedroom. Bush asks, "George, what is the best
thingI can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honorable example, as I did,"
advises Washington before fading away.
The next night Bush sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. Bush calls out,
"Tom, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Respect the Constitution, as I did," replies Jefferson and fades away.
The next night Bush still can't sleep and finds the ghost of F.D.R. in
the room. Bush whispers, "Franklin, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Help the people, just like I did," F.D.R. replies and disappears.
The next night Bush is still too restless to sleep.
Across the room he sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
Bush asks, "Abe, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Go see a play."
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall in Galveston in his Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot white shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I had heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is clearly not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing......how's the bait holding up?"
As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So this Saturday at 4 p.m eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. For good measure, have various pork products cooking on your big grill.
The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America.
Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas
10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows)
9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights)
8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores
7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials"
6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas ...
At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
Bush in Athens
Athens, Greece (AP) --
President Bush opened the 27th modern Olympic Games in July. He began his remarks with, "Ooooo! Ooooo! Ooooo! Ooooo! Ooooo!"
Immediately his speechwriter rushed over to the lectern and whispered in the president's ear, " Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."
[ 23.09.2004, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: ipohan ]
Voter Support System
There are less than three months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The man elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.
To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.
If you support the policies and character of John Kerry, please drive with your headlights on during the day.
If you support President George W. Bush, please drive with your headlights off at night. :D
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you ned to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.
We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska. Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.
So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says ``Florida,´´ you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise (a.k.a. "The Sunshine State").
The next time you hear a politician use the words "billion" casually, think about whether you want that politician spending your tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases: A billion seconds ago, it was 1959. A billion minutes ago, Jesus was alive. A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate Washington spends it.
The Democrats are complaining on how long the war is taking but consider this: It took less time to take Iraq than it took Janet Reno to take the Branch Davidian compound. That was a 51-day operation.
It took less time to find Saddam's sons in Iraq than it took Hilary Clinton to find the Rose Law Firm billing records. It took less time for t he 3rd Infantry Division and the Marines to destroy the Medina Republican Guard than it took Teddy Kennedy to call the police after his Oldsmobile sunk at Chappaquiddick.
It took less time to take Iraq than it took to count the votes in Florida!! Damn our military is GREAT!!!!
An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.
But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please."
The old gal raised her right hand.
"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.
The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"
CBS admitted that the documents they aired about President Bush's National Guard duty were forged.
As a result, CBS is now planning to drop the 'C'.
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Can you imagine working at the following Company? This company has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:
- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse - 7 have been arrested for fraud - 19 have been accused of writing bad checks - 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses - 3 have been arrested for assault - 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit - 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges - 8 have been arrested for shoplifting - 21 are current defendants in lawsuits - In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up? It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain." "Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done." Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Is Dorothy around?" asks Bill.
A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.
The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.
The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...
Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.
When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...
He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!" The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..." :D
A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?' The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'
A woman always wanted an expensive car; a status symbol to drive around and flaunt. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down many dollars for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick- butt, dream mobile.
She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the blasted thing.
Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.
He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer and voice- activated. All she has to do is tell it what she wants to hear.
He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.
"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.
She drives off, amazed.
"Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.
"New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.
She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.
"Low-life, arrogant, self-centered scum!!!" she screams.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."
I couldn't figure out why Cuba didn't have a better Olympic rowing team.
Then I realized that their best rowers probably live in the United States. (Andrew Senger)
WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD ARRIVES HOW WILL THE MEDIA REPORT IT?
USA Today: WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER
Readers Digest: 'BYE
Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!
America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
George W. Bush Plays Dirty In Florida
If you don't believe me click here
Two opposing county chairman were sharing a rare moment together. The Democratic chairman said, "I never pass up a chance to promote the party. For example, whenever I take a cab, I give the driver a sizable tip and say, 'Vote Democratic.'" His opponent said, "I have a better scheme, and it doesn't cost me a nickel. I don't give any tip at all. And when I leave, I also say, 'Vote Democratic.'"
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."
Q: What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful?
A: A tourist.
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully
carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should immediately declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any trouble. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are trash and it is for your own good. When we show you good British cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
A buddy of mine, Mike, had season tickets to the Detroit Lions football games. Last year they had such a miserable record that he couldn't give away two tickets to a game he wasn't able to attend. While parking at a mall, he decided to leave the tickets under his windshield wiper. "And that worked?" I asked. "Not exactly," said Mike. "I returned to find six more tickets to the same game."
Banks have long printed checks in a wide spectrum of colors; some have offered checks with floral or scenic backgrounds.
The modest-sized Bank of Marion in Marion, California has gone one step further. A customer can simply bring in a personal photograph or drawing and have it printed onto a standard check form.
Undeterred by the higher cost, more than five hundred customers signed for the illustrated checks. But perhaps the most imaginative and vindictive customer is the one who ordered special checks to be used solely for making his alimony payments. They show him kissing his new-and beautiful-wife.
Forth Worth's interim school superintendent James M. Bailey, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems.
He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."
Suddenly there was a cry from assistant superintendent Joe Ross. "Hey," he exclaimed, "that's my number!"
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."
George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly.
Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush I had to spend 40 years in the desert.
I was in line where applications for health-insurance cards are processed, and the young man ahead of me had just had his picture taken for his photo ID. "Do you want me to take another photo?" the clerk asked him. "This one’s not very good. You’re not smiling, you look tired and your eyes are half shut." "No, that’s okay," the fellow replied. "That’s probably how I’ll look when I have to use the card."
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. 'No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
A priest and a rabbi are good friends. One day the rabbi asks the priest what it was like to hear confessions. The priest tells him:" Why don't you sit with me in the confessionary, then you can hear for yourself." The rabbi is reluctant but the priest tells him, there was nothing to worry, because it was totally dark in there and if he kept quiet, nobody would ever know. They are both sitting in the confessionary, a woman comes in and says:" Father, I have sinned!" The priest asks her:"How did you sin, my daughter?" She answers:" I cheated on my husband." The priest:" How often?" The woman:" Three times." The priest tells her:" My daughter, put five dollars into the collection box and you are forgiven." Another woman comes in:" Father I have sinned!" The priest:" How did you sin, my daughter?" She says:" I cheated on my husband." The priest asks:" How often?" The woman tells:" Three times." The priest says to her too:" Put five dollars into the collection box and you will be forgiven." Now the priest suggests to the rabbi:" Let's change places", but the rabbi is not so sure. The priest reassures him:" You heard how simple it is!" A third woman enters:" Father, I have sinned!" The rabbi asks:" How did you sin, my daughter?" She tells him:" I cheated on my husband." He asks her, how often. She answers:" Twice." The rabbi says:" Do it once more and put five dollars into the collection box, and you will be forgiven." :D
Jane got lost while driving in a snowstorm. Then she remembered that her father had told her that if she ever got lost in a storm to stop and wait for a snowplow, then follow it. Soon a snowplow came by, and Jane pulled in behind it and followed it for an hour. Then the driver stopped and got out. He walked up to Jane and asked her what she was doing. She explained what her father had told her. "ok", said the snowplow driver. "I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Want to follow me over to Kmart?".
Is Hell Exothermic, or Endothermic?
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
French drug maker Aventis introduced a pill Sunday that prevents obesity. They say obesity is a disease.
It's believed to be transmitted from animals because millions of Americans have caught obesity from fried chicken stored in giant buckets.
Cyrus says: "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!'" ;) [img]tongue.gif[/img]
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."
A guy is out fishing too long. He's racing home over a bridge doing eighty when a cop catches him on radar and pulls him over.
The guy says, "Give me a break, I'm on my way to work, and I'm late."
The cop says, "What do you do for a living?"
The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says. "A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?"
The guy says, "People call me when they need to be stretched. I go to their house, start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then a whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them apart, farther and farther, until it's a full six feet across."
The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
The guy says, "They give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."
This is an exact recount of a US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
A twenty-three year old man had been experiencing severe headaches for several months when he eventually decided to go to the doctor. At first he had put off making an appointment to see his doctor, but soon the headaches were so excruciating that he would sob in pain, unable to sleep, for hours every night, and were severely effecting his work.
"Mr Jones, you must be in extraordinary pain! You should have come to me months ago." the doctor admonished.
"I know, Doc, but can't you just tell me what it is?"
"Of course, son, but you're not going to like what I have to say. Your testicles are pressing on the base of your spine and compressing a nerve. This is what is causing the headaches."
"What's so bad about that?" the young man asked.
"Well, the only way to treat this condition is to remove the testicles."
The young man was very upset, and the doctor told him to take a day or two to consider it, adding that the headaches would continue to get worse and worse if he did not have the operation.
Two days later, the young man returned to the doctor in agony.
"Take 'em off, Doc, I can't stand this any more."
So the young man had the operation to remove his testicles. After a day recovering in hospital and a couple of weeks of very little walking aorund, he decided to go for a walk in town.
He walked along the streets, feeling the greatest joy that his headaches had gone, yet regretting the fact that the removal of both his testicles had been necessary. However, he didn't want to grow bitter about it, so decided to buy himself a new suit to celebrate his new-found health.
He went into an exclusive-looking store and was immediately attended by a gentleman at least seventy years old.
"What can I do for you, Sir?"
"I'd like to buy a new suit, the complete works."
"Certainly, Sir, lets start with the shirt, I'm guessing you'd be a fifteen inch collar?"
"That's amazing, how did you guess?"
"When you've been in this job as long as I have, Sir, you just know these things."
The shirt was a perfect fit.
"Trousers next, I think. Would you be a 34 inch waist, Sir?"
"Yes! That really is incredible!"
"Well, Sir, after sixty years, you pick up a few things." the old man said modestly.
The trousers fitted perfectly.
"How about some real silk boxer shorts? You would be a 34 inch waist in those as well."
"Ahha!" said the young man. "I'm afraid you're wrong there. I take a 32 inch waist in boxer shorts, and have worn that size since I was eighteen years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors--green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." :D [img]tongue.gif[/img]
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