A priest and a rabbi are good friends. One day the rabbi asks the priest what it was like to hear confessions. The priest tells him:" Why don't you sit with me in the confessionary, then you can hear for yourself." The rabbi is reluctant but the priest tells him, there was nothing to worry, because it was totally dark in there and if he kept quiet, nobody would ever know. They are both sitting in the confessionary, a woman comes in and says:" Father, I have sinned!" The priest asks her:"How did you sin, my daughter?" She answers:" I cheated on my husband." The priest:" How often?" The woman:" Three times." The priest tells her:" My daughter, put five dollars into the collection box and you are forgiven." Another woman comes in:" Father I have sinned!" The priest:" How did you sin, my daughter?" She says:" I cheated on my husband." The priest asks:" How often?" The woman tells:" Three times." The priest says to her too:" Put five dollars into the collection box and you will be forgiven." Now the priest suggests to the rabbi:" Let's change places", but the rabbi is not so sure. The priest reassures him:" You heard how simple it is!" A third woman enters:" Father, I have sinned!" The rabbi asks:" How did you sin, my daughter?" She tells him:" I cheated on my husband." He asks her, how often. She answers:" Twice." The rabbi says:" Do it once more and put five dollars into the collection box, and you will be forgiven." :D
Jane got lost while driving in a snowstorm. Then she remembered that her father had told her that if she ever got lost in a storm to stop and wait for a snowplow, then follow it. Soon a snowplow came by, and Jane pulled in behind it and followed it for an hour. Then the driver stopped and got out. He walked up to Jane and asked her what she was doing. She explained what her father had told her. "ok", said the snowplow driver. "I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Want to follow me over to Kmart?".
Is Hell Exothermic, or Endothermic?
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
French drug maker Aventis introduced a pill Sunday that prevents obesity. They say obesity is a disease.
It's believed to be transmitted from animals because millions of Americans have caught obesity from fried chicken stored in giant buckets.
Cyrus says: "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad says: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!'" ;) [img]tongue.gif[/img]
A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion."
A guy is out fishing too long. He's racing home over a bridge doing eighty when a cop catches him on radar and pulls him over.
The guy says, "Give me a break, I'm on my way to work, and I'm late."
The cop says, "What do you do for a living?"
The guy says, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says. "A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher do?"
The guy says, "People call me when they need to be stretched. I go to their house, start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then a whole hand, then two. Then I slowly pull them apart, farther and farther, until it's a full six feet across."
The cop says, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
The guy says, "They give him a radar gun and stick him at the end of a bridge."
This is an exact recount of a US National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?"
GENERAL REINWALD: 'We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"
GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle range discipline before they even touch a firearm."
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."
GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
A twenty-three year old man had been experiencing severe headaches for several months when he eventually decided to go to the doctor. At first he had put off making an appointment to see his doctor, but soon the headaches were so excruciating that he would sob in pain, unable to sleep, for hours every night, and were severely effecting his work.
"Mr Jones, you must be in extraordinary pain! You should have come to me months ago." the doctor admonished.
"I know, Doc, but can't you just tell me what it is?"
"Of course, son, but you're not going to like what I have to say. Your testicles are pressing on the base of your spine and compressing a nerve. This is what is causing the headaches."
"What's so bad about that?" the young man asked.
"Well, the only way to treat this condition is to remove the testicles."
The young man was very upset, and the doctor told him to take a day or two to consider it, adding that the headaches would continue to get worse and worse if he did not have the operation.
Two days later, the young man returned to the doctor in agony.
"Take 'em off, Doc, I can't stand this any more."
So the young man had the operation to remove his testicles. After a day recovering in hospital and a couple of weeks of very little walking aorund, he decided to go for a walk in town.
He walked along the streets, feeling the greatest joy that his headaches had gone, yet regretting the fact that the removal of both his testicles had been necessary. However, he didn't want to grow bitter about it, so decided to buy himself a new suit to celebrate his new-found health.
He went into an exclusive-looking store and was immediately attended by a gentleman at least seventy years old.
"What can I do for you, Sir?"
"I'd like to buy a new suit, the complete works."
"Certainly, Sir, lets start with the shirt, I'm guessing you'd be a fifteen inch collar?"
"That's amazing, how did you guess?"
"When you've been in this job as long as I have, Sir, you just know these things."
The shirt was a perfect fit.
"Trousers next, I think. Would you be a 34 inch waist, Sir?"
"Yes! That really is incredible!"
"Well, Sir, after sixty years, you pick up a few things." the old man said modestly.
The trousers fitted perfectly.
"How about some real silk boxer shorts? You would be a 34 inch waist in those as well."
"Ahha!" said the young man. "I'm afraid you're wrong there. I take a 32 inch waist in boxer shorts, and have worn that size since I was eighteen years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 32. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors--green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." :D [img]tongue.gif[/img]
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