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-   -   American Jokes (http://forum.ipoh.com.my/showthread.php?t=2240)

ipohan 13-05-2008 10:09 PM

As you may have heard, the Bush Administration said each of us would get a rebate check to stimulate the economy.

If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.

If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.

If we purchase a computer it will go to India.

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.

If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan.

None of it will help the American economy.

We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales, since those are the only businesses still in the US. :rolleyes:

ipohan 27-10-2008 08:21 PM

LIFE'S IRONIES

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner."

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power."

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

chell 26-11-2008 09:02 AM

Dumb Question
 
Getting old can be fun. Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all they time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Oldtimer 26-11-2008 04:03 PM

:toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny::toofunny: :toofunny:

RawFlesh 27-11-2008 10:05 AM

Pls excuse me if these jokes has appeared already:

Quote:

Very Timely, In This Day And Age!!!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
building standing,. Its called the stock market - Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now
being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las
Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam.
Don't fall for it - Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his
favourite candy bar - Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my
cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know
whether that refers to mine or the bank's


New Stock Market Terms

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.


BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
himself for a financial genius.


BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry.


VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.


P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
market keeps crashing.


BROKER -- What my broker has made me.


STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.


STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.


STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets
equally between themselves.


FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.


MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.


CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.


YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.


WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.


INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.


PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use

ipohan 29-11-2008 09:38 PM

Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want, and their kids pay for it. :( :( :(

ipohan 29-11-2008 09:48 PM

A man appears before a judge with his lawyer, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the lawyer says, " my client lives in a two-story house."

The judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The lawyer answers, "Well Your Honor, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'" :eek: :eek: :eek:

RawFlesh 08-04-2009 11:34 AM

Subject: FW: A PIECE OF ADVICE WHILE FLYING



After a month-long holiday in the US, my wife and I finally boarded the plane in San Francisco last Sunday heading home.

As the plane reached cruising speed with the seat belt sign switchedoff, a 6 ft 3' black man with the build of Mike Tyson in the front row got up from his seat, turned to face the back, raised his arm and yelled, 'HIJACK!'

Everyone was frozen to the seat, expecting the worst to happen and two stewards were about to jump onto this guy to overpower him when another voice answered from the back of the plane:
'OH, HI JOHN!'

ipohan 22-08-2010 05:50 PM

America has the highest standard of living in the world. It's just a pity we can't afford it. :eek: :eek: :eek:


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