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-   -   American Jokes (http://forum.ipoh.com.my/showthread.php?t=2240)

ipohan 03-10-2004 09:31 PM

CBS admitted that the documents they aired about President Bush's National Guard duty were forged.

As a result, CBS is now planning to drop the 'C'.

ipohan 03-10-2004 09:57 PM

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

ipohan 05-10-2004 11:40 PM

Can you imagine working at the following Company? This company has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

- 29 have been accused of spousal abuse - 7 have been arrested for fraud - 19 have been accused of writing bad checks - 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses - 3 have been arrested for assault - 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit - 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges - 8 have been arrested for shoplifting - 21 are current defendants in lawsuits - In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up? It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

ipohan 09-10-2004 09:37 PM

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain." "Done," says the Wizard. "Who comes next before the Great Wizard?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I've heard it's true," says the Wizard. "Consider it done." Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Is Dorothy around?" asks Bill.

ipohan 09-10-2004 10:14 PM

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart. The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his brain.

The man insisted, and since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap just the right portions of brain tissue, the operation was planned.

The laser was hooked up to a computer which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice bright LED display. The doctor threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off ... 95, 94, 93, ...

Suddenly the phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for a few minutes, the doctor forgetting completely about his patient.

When he hung up, he suddenly realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down ... 6, 5, 4, ...

He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Holy moley!" exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me. Say anything!" The man looked at him and said, "I, George W. Bush, announce my candidacy for President of the United States..." :D

ipohan 09-10-2004 10:32 PM

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there. Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?' The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'

ipohan 14-10-2004 12:31 AM

A woman always wanted an expensive car; a status symbol to drive around and flaunt. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down many dollars for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, kick- butt, dream mobile.

She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the blasted thing.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.

He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer and voice- activated. All she has to do is tell it what she wants to hear.

He demonstrates: "Classical," he says. "click" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

"Blues," she says, and "click" a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off, amazed.

"Country," she says, and "click" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.

"New Age" and "click" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.

She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.

"Low-life, arrogant, self-centered scum!!!" she screams.

"click"

"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

ipohan 14-10-2004 11:51 PM

I couldn't figure out why Cuba didn't have a better Olympic rowing team.

Then I realized that their best rowers probably live in the United States. (Andrew Senger)

ipohan 15-10-2004 12:18 AM

WHEN THE END OF THE WORLD ARRIVES HOW WILL THE MEDIA REPORT IT?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun: ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

ipohan 22-10-2004 08:12 PM

George W. Bush Plays Dirty In Florida

If you don't believe me click here

http://www.wearabledissent.com/101/floridavote.html


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