General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. Gen. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greet by Gen. Marshall. They both walk around the place, and Gen. McKenzie asks, "So how are you men?" "Very well trained, Gen. McKenzie." "I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too," replied Gen. Marshall. "I'd like to see that," responded Gen. McKenzie. So Gen. Marshall calls Private Cooper over and says, "Private Cooper! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!" "Are you f*cking crazy? It'll kill me, you asshole! I'm out of here!" As Private Cooper ran away Gen. Marshall turned to a bewildered Gen McKenzie and said, "You see, You have to be pretty damn brave to talk like that to a General!" :D
Texas Edition of Windows XP
It has come to the attention that a few copies of the Texas edition of Windows XP may have been accidentally shipped outside of Texas.
If you have on of the Texas Editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
The Texas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDERS XP with a backround picture of the Alamo superimposed on the Texas flag. It is shipped with a Leann Rimes screensaver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled OutHouse. My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys Control Panel is known as the Dashboard Hard drive is referred to as Wheel Drive Floppies are Them Little Ol' Plastic Disc Thangs Other features: Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Terminology: OK= ats aww-right Cancel= hail no Reset= aw shoot Yes= shore No=Naaaa Find= hunt-fer it Go To= over yonder Back= back yonder Help= hep me out here Stop= ternit off Start= crank it up Settings= sittins Programs= stuff that does stuff Documents= stuff I done done
Also note that Winders XP does not recognize capital letters or puncuation marks. We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you recieved a copy of Texas Edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
Friday afternoon, the rush hour bus is jam-packed with commuters. Everyone was feeling like sardines in a can. People stood face-to-face, back-to-back. A young woman was wearing a miniskirt was feeling particularly uncomfortable with her situation. As if feeling discomfort, a construction worker behind her said, "Pardon me, miss, but that thing pressing into your back is my weekly pay ... today they only paid us hard cash!" "I don't mind your hard cash," replied the woman, "but how do you explain your pay increase since the last stop?" [img]tongue.gif[/img]
A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
"You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding."
The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."
A New York judge is ready to go through the day's business and he is very rushed. The first case up involves an elderly Jewish gentleman with a long beard, payos, the works.
The judge, without asking a question, says to the clerk: "Quick... get me a translator."
Translator shows up and the judge says: "Ask him what his name is, how old is he and where does he come from?"
The translator says: "Die judge vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
The old man smiles, looks at the judge and says in perfect English with a British accent: "Your Honour. My name is Sir Chaim Ginsbug. I shall be 82 next Thursday and I've come from England where I hold the chair of Hebrew Philosophy at Oxford University."
The translator turns to the judge and says: "Ehr zukt, ehr is Sir Chaim Ginsburg, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt, und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
The New York City Board of Education has officially declared Jewish English -- now dubbed Hebonics -- as a second language. Backers of the move say the city schools are the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of American culture.
According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at Brooklyn College and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish.
Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered, 'How should I be, with my feet?'"
Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or scepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"
Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress."
Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks."
Schollman provided the following examples from his best-selling textbook, "Switched-On Hebonics".
Question: "What time is it?" English answer: "Sorry, I don't know." Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." English response: "Thanks." Hebonic response: "I should be so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." English response: "Be right there." Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the hurry business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; I wear it all the time." English response: "Glad you like it." Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you?"
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." English response: "Congratulations!" Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?" English answer: "Just say when." Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To the guest of honour at a birthday party: English remark: "Happy birthday." Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day." English response: "Sure is." Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son: English remark: "It's been a while since you called." Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
A California policeman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seatbelt, he had just won $5,000 dollars in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled the woman in the passenger seat. "He's a real jerk when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who took one look at the cop and moaned, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?" :D
A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
The reply was, "Washington DC."
On being asked what the 'DC' stood for,the pupil added,"Dot com!" [img]tongue.gif[/img]
The Environmental Protection Agency plans to shut down over 20,000 gas stations around the country for failing to meet the deadline requiring that rest rooms be cleaned at least once every 10 years.
"We gave them an entire decade to take care of a festering health hazard that potentially can be more deadly than biological weapons of warfare and many of these stations ignored our rules," said Stumpy Peterson, an EPA spokeswoman.
The Service Station Dealers of America are disputing the requirements as "unreasonable."
"The government is not taking into account all the work our employees do such as monitoring people as they pump their own gas and wash their own windshields."
"They simply don't have time to scrub toilets," said an association spokesman. :D
There are many transmission lines that crisscross Connecticut. These are held up by Transmission Towers of various constructions. Those most commonly installed near urban areas are called "metal Ornamental Towers" (supposedly prettier than wood towers). Sometimes adventurous folks climb the towers in order to enjoy the view and the night air. Most stay away from the wires, and when they get bored, come back down.
Apparently, a man who was forlorn after a recent spat with his girlfriend needed some fresh air to clear his head and decided to climb a tower. He stopped for a 6 pack to help clear his thoughts, went to a tower south of Hartford, next to I-91, and climbed it.
Public Service employees later pieced the story together. The man sat there 60 feet above the highway, drank his beer and consoled his bruised ego. After 5 beers, he needed to do what people often need to do after 5 beers. It being such a long hike down, he unzipped and did his business right there off the tower.
Electricity is a funny thing. One doesn't need to touch a wire in order to get shocked. Depending on conditions, 115,000 volt lines,like those supported by the tower, could shock a person as far away as 6 feet.
When the man "whizzed" near the conductor (wire), the power arced up his "stream" (urine is an excellent conductor of electricity), traveled up to his private parts, and blew him off the tower.
The guys at the power company noted a momentary outage on this line and sent repairmen to see if there was any damage. When they got to the scene of the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top.
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